Me Again

2008-05-13T00:41:00.001-06:00

go to http://carlaagain.blogspot.com/ for my other updated blog :)

The News

2008-03-27T14:34:00.002-06:00

I am moving out of my apartment on march 30th. I'll be in town until April 2nd and then I am spending sometime doing a retreat out of Saskatoon and getting my shit together to start looking for a better job in May. I will be moving where ever I can find a good job in an art related field. If I am unable to find that, I will be in Edmonton taking an one year Art Administration course.

I miss people already, but I will be back to visit my honey and my gallery girl and my best friends in May. And you will hear from me over "the internets" more often.

2008-03-03T14:03:00.002-06:00

So I typed out my experience at a particular office and it just was not good reading - it was funny and strange for me but read like a list. . . scratch the office safari post :)

I gave notice for April 1st and now I need to get things in order for moving. I have far too much crap so I'll be looking for people to give stuff to. A chest of drawers, some plastic organizing shelving, etc. And I am going through all my costuming crap too.

I'll have to have a party for giving crap away. My cat is going to hate it.

2008-02-27T23:43:00.002-06:00

Reception is a strange profession - it is amazing what people will say while the temp is sitting near by. More interestingly, the job allows for a more intimate and strange kind of people watching. But it is not without its dangers.

Next post: the Reception Safari :)

2008-02-14T00:09:00.002-06:00

Me and Adorable are going to eat sushi and have fun tonight. I am looking forward to it.
And my birthday is around the corner. I am happy about all of this. I am turning "old"!!! LOL

New and old

2008-02-11T17:34:00.000-06:00

I got a new job offer that I hope will work well, doing clerical and what not - they can place me at the end of February (though they would like me right now, which is encouraging.). I gave my notice at the store on Sunday and hope to stay on casual part time. I love aspects of that store, especially some of the people. For obvious reasons, I will leave out particularly negative comments I would love to share, but for those who I have not told, I burnt out in returns and I have someone on my case whenever I am there; changing job descriptions at the store was supposed to reduce my stress and pressure, but it is still there. In the last week, it hit me that even when it was absolutely transparent that I had both thought of an issue and taken extra time and care to resolve it, this person was unable to acknowledge it. They just told me that they had intended to remind me, ominously, as though my completing the task was nigh shocking. Saying "I was going to talk to you about that" as though they should be given credit for my doing anything right is crazy.

I think I will look more closely into Art Administration in Edmonton.

DF tells me I need assertiveness training. I am too nice and too nice is a very bad thing.

Where does the quote, "Don't stick it in the crazy!" come from? Is that an original?

Words per Minute

2008-02-07T16:49:00.000-06:00

So . . . I have better than average Excel and Word skills and I type 40 words per minute easily, which I was seriously curious about. Nice to find that I have real world skills at a level that is actually useful. I have copying and faxing experience, I have experience with multi line phone systems, paging, intercoms, and I can design presentations and reports and training manuals easily.

I feel less negative today just having been reminded of all of this.

Life Report.

2008-02-07T04:49:00.000-06:00

Depression causes anxiety and anxiety causes depression and so on.

I am struggling with some amount of guilt over how much support I have needed from my friends and the more worrisome fear that I have become a pathetic grumpy bitch. And all of that means I have wanted reassurance that I have not been "too much of a drain". What I honestly want is to get out of a cycle of anxiety and depression. I crave my old sense of accomplishment in art and academia, which appears to have been a crutch, or perhaps simply more important to my ego than I realized. I crave the feeling that I give as much as I take from those people who are important to me. I used to the fucking cheerful one. Now I am the cloud that never has anything positive to say. People around me assure me that venting is healthy. But what if it is me digging myself deeper into this little pit of self pity I have been working at for too long. "I feel terrible today." "I am so tired". "I cannot breath." "I hate this." "I do not want to be here." Who the fuck wants to hear that everyday, no matter how true it "feels" at the time? I certainly do not.

I need to change this before I implode.

I have been coughing since 5 PM and it is 5AM. Fuck. But Friday is doctor day. New inhalers and some serious soul searching are in the works.

Have a good morning, people.

Merh???

2008-01-27T20:58:00.000-06:00

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	High
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

but but . . . . lust? I thought I was wrath . . . .

2007-12-15T21:19:00.000-06:00

Today is my Christmas with James. It was wonderful. I am very content right now :) I have to have people over for tea now to try out my present.

Hope people have a good time with their families etc. The concept of Christmas spirit seems more and more like a joke to me with all the buying and none of the substance (work retail in this season and you will get what I mean), but today reminded me that I have not purchased things because I have to, and that if that feeling starts to set in or there is nothing I can think of to give someone, that I can back off and stop before stress turns to real unhappiness. It is one place in my life where I have been able to apply good ideas and make them actions. I care a lot about everything. Sucks sometimes to care and be idealistic, but its not gonna change. I get so wrapped up and upset and eventually overwhelmed as a result. But in this I have a small personal victory.

Random thought: Gift certificates are only appropriate if you do not know the person. Workplace appropriate.

2007-11-26T02:58:00.000-06:00

Things have been settling down since I stopped being sick every other week. Got a little extra money and purchased some seriously necessary things I had been neglecting, like light bulbs and a garbage can . . . . and more costuming; my priorities are screwed up when it comes to making a living and balancing my extras. I am far too comfortable with just (barely) making ends meet. In the process of figuring that out, by the way.

Random fact: I bought a duvet and new sheets this summer, and new pillows a week ago, and I cannot tell you how much better I sleep since I made these purchases. Yet somehow I seem to have stopped spending so much time moping by oversleeping as well. Weird how having crappy bedding used to depress me. I am ten times happier because of a fucking kingsize duvet (so soft, all cotton and warmth and clean).

I think it would be rather fun this year to make shortbread in weird shapes and give them to people. For Saskatoonians: anyone want to have a cookie-making night in early to mid December? James is headed off to home for the month and I am going to be a little lonely I guess.

2007-11-05T14:44:00.000-06:00

I have been sick since Friday and there is no end in sight. This morning, I desperately wanted to call in sick, but there is no one else who can do everything that needs to be done on a Monday morning. So I am at work, waiting for some room to clear before I can bring more boxes back to shipping. And I cannot sneeze, which is turning out to be one of the most painful and aggravating things I've had to deal with in sometime.

Responsibility is a bitch :)

2007-10-29T11:45:00.000-06:00

winter is coming. late fall sinks me into a depression these last few years. i have been feeling sick more often and i stress out about money or work (until recently work would have been replaced by school). i feel like the summer and all of its possibilities are abandoning bitches*. i think my run of bad luck in late fall has trained me into expected something terrible to happen. weird how that works. if i had a cabin getaway with a fire place and endless supplies of really really good coffee and hot chocolate i would feel better about the whole thing.

there was a rep night (read here possible free stuff and a chance to get new products into my section) at work that i was looking forward to . . . and in the chaos of the weekend I forgot about it. i had that niggling sense that i needed to be somewhere on sunday night but no amount of pondering seemed to pull it out of this "i have too much to think about" wasteland.
i was really looking forward to it and i missed it. dammit.

it is okay to be depressed because winter is coming. it is okay to ignore the capital letters in proper written form.

i hate caps.

they irk my sense of balance today.

* i take weird pleasure from this sentence because it is badly constructed. i am having an odd day.

Update

2007-10-17T22:18:00.001-06:00

Wow. It has been awhile. Here are some photos.

I went to Jasper for a wedding. It was lovely.

I like this picture. Very thoughtful :)

And here we are; I asked nicely :)

Work is work. I joined the gym and will be swimming from now on. Christmas prep in an already busy bookstore is a little anxiety-inducing, but I hope to weather the storm. I had NEVER seen the mountains (family trips were usually skipped in favor of canoe trips up in Northern Saskatchewan). I fell in love. I did not find the change in altitude a problem and I loved being so seemingly close to the sky, but I did experience some serious vertigo after going up the Tram. Beautiful. Beautiful.

I have been silent for a time. I haven't been online much in recent weeks. Too busy playing an addictive video game called Dragon Quest 8 or snuggling or gaming tooooo much or going to weddings.

Here is a photo of all five of US together (my siblings and I) for the first time in many many years at our youngest brother's wedding (which was lovely and which inspired me to cry . . . while I was doing a reading during the ceremony). I am very happy for my little bro, because he has his shit together and he makes me laugh, and I think he is pretty damn cool.

(me, angie, johny, and greg/neil. being dorks.)

2007-09-13T01:18:00.000-06:00

So . . . .

Blogging is really boring me . I am fairly certain no one reads this.
The only blog I seem to read anymore with any regularity is Keeping in Touch.

shrug :)

Back to Work

2007-09-04T08:56:00.000-06:00

I have a few minutes while I wait for the transfer that threatens to squish me if gifting is not exaggerating. So many boxes in such small space. . . . this will be interesting. I have been at work for an hour and a half already and it is just about 9AM. Feels good to get up and get going.
We went to Edmonton this weekend (Wade and I) from Friday to Sunday evening. We both remarked that this was one of the most relaxed visits we have enjoyed. Maybe it is all of the old friends we met up and chilled out with and getting to meet their new friends. Or that we generally made only loose plans that gave us lots of leeway for travel time.

I only regret that we did not get to see Gayleen! Hope everything went swimmingly. My favorite part of the trip was going for a short walk near our host's home on Sunday after we ate pancakes and bacon and D and I ordered sundaes. There is a pond in the neighbourhood with Canada geese and it was beautiful out. Beautiful.

Hell to Pay was fun. I need new everything for costuming and this scramble for something to wear has driven that home. The trip was last minute for me, but that is no excuse for the lack of cool things that I used to be able to pull out of my ass for a LARP. All of my tickle trunk necessities are looking very Value Village but not in that good way :)

Alright - work is here.

The weekend

2007-08-20T10:42:00.000-06:00

The storms have been amazing and intimidating this weekend. I hope people having all the problems with flooding are okay!

Played Werewolf on Friday which was fun. My bro and his fiancee had their stag/stagget (spelling?) and the bridal shower all on Saturday. It was wacky and bizarre, but alot of fun. Lisa's family and friends were very cool and totally sweet; our side was the bizarre. Grandma's hearing aid was letting out a high pitched squeal but I wanted her to be able to hear so I tried to suck it up (headaches and the urge to take a drill to my temple be damned) this was probably not the best idea *shrug. And have you ever wanted to say to an extended family member, "No one likes you!" and then kick them in the shin. The urge was so strong and so infantile. . . . I almost wish I had done it *grin.

Drove out to see JN on Sunday morning and spent the day lazily watching movies (Transporter was terrible but entertaining and I love Family Guy) and cuddling. It rocked.

Farewell, Rheamareha!! Hope you had a good trip to your new home and I miss you already :)

2007-08-11T16:08:00.000-06:00

The Fringe was alot of fun this time around - I had time and because of volunteer work, I was able to afford it too.

I spent too much money on going out for supper in the last few weeks, but it was a lovely momentary luxury. I find it very difficult to drop 30$ on a meal, but all you can eat ribs was my idea.

I missed work on Friday, right after I was getting everything to a manageable state. So I am going to go in bright and early on Monday to catch up. Such a difference, from hourly to a salary. I am still a little unsure of myself.

I was "under the weather" on Friday and today with breathing issues that my inhaler is not helping with and a headache from coughing so much. I feel tired even though I have been sleeping alot - time to visit a doctor (probably past time). I want to breath again without all this effort. I am wondering if I haven't run into something new that triggers asthma for me. Work is good for me - the physical exertion is wonderful and I feel great. Crossing my fingers that a doctor can help me this coming week with the problem.

I am off to go for a walk - sitting around does not stop me from coughing . . . much :)

Catching up with life and everything else. . .

2007-07-25T01:08:00.000-06:00

I just finished catching up on Something Positive, which I had not read since January or so.
And I got paid (although it is not enough, life will get back to a more doable (heh, doable is so not a word, valleygirl) state in two weeks) and bought groceries and a little bit of gas; my car is mostly working, which rocks.

I am training right now. I was late this morning, 'cause I had breathing problems last night and felt wiped when I woke up to my alarm beeping - I think I managed to sleep through the noise for several minutes. I had an asthma attack that seriously fucked me up this afternoon after I got home - I guess it is time to go back to the doctor and see what can be done. I have a cold which is probably half the issue.

I went over to JennyM's with W and T and we had a nice time swimming and hanging with K and E too. Although it was probably not J and T's first pick, we watched Near Dark, which I had never seen. It was awesometastic! And W wants me to say to Amy,"that ending was amazing!!" , but I can see how it pissed her off. Otherwise, it was a great movie and seeing the actor who plays Nathan on Heroes as a young actor was pretty cool too. Oh my was he pretty or what? The character reminds me of someone I know. . .

I miss my boyfriend. But I am having a lovely summer despite that one dark cloud. And I do get to see him alot. How the hell do the lovely married people I know who are so far away from one another manage that kind of missing? It sucks.

2007-07-22T00:26:00.000-06:00

Harry Potter Night was super crazy fun. We had between three and four thousand people show up (and I was one of the front door crowd control/security types.

I wore box stilts which put me at arounf 6'4 or 6'5 and dressed like I have always imagined Madame Maxime should look like - I was told by someone that I looked sorta like a Frida Kahlo self portrait. which is cool as well. No pictures yet, until I find someone to get them from.

We sold over 1000 copies of the book in 25 minutes. . . . gah - and I am trying to underestimate the numbers.

Stupid day from 2PM to 2AM. The chance to costume was worth it.

Adventure!

2007-07-13T01:30:00.000-06:00

Took the bus up to Edmonton early on Wednesday morning and just got back this evening. So I was barely gone for more than 24 hours, but it was lots of fun. The Moody Blues were lots of fun and fed my desire for some nostalgia too. They performed several old songs, including one from Every Good Boy Deserves Favour (the cover of that record is an image that I will always associate with listening to music with my dad) called One More Time To Live. They also performed these two numbers:

The Night: Nights In White Satin

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end, Letters I've written, never meaning to send. Beauty I'd always missed, with these eyes before, Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore. 'Cos I love you, yes I love you, oh how I love you. Gazing at people, some hand in hand, Just what I'm going through they can't understand. Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend, Just what you want to be, you will be in the end. And I love you, yes I love you, Oh how I love you, oh how I love you. Nights in white satin, never reaching the end, Letters I've written, never meaning to send. Beauty I'd always missed, with these eyes before, Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore. 'Cos I love you, yes I love you, Oh how I love you, oh how I love you. 'Cos I love you, yes I love you, Oh how I love you, oh how I love you.

Late Lament

Breathe deep the gathering gloom, Watch lights fade from every room. Bedsitter people look back and lament, Another day's useless energy spent. Impassioned lovers wrestle as one, Lonely man cries for love and has none. New mother picks up and suckles her son, Senior citizens wish they were young. Cold hearted orb that rules the night, Removes the colours from our sight. Red is grey and yellow white, But we decide which is right. And which is an illusion???

Nights in White Satin was done beautifully and it was amazing, as TNinjaM mentioned, to see live. And the second one, Late Lament, is a spoken word performance from the end of the album Days of Future Past. What was cool about this was that I sensed a moment of fun in the voice of the drummer when he said, "senior citizens wish . . . " and it seemed that he was poking fun at himself and that was a little unexpected and disarming.
Finally, they also performed Dr. Livingston, I Presume and Are You Sitting Comfortably and Isn't Life Strange. It was worth it to see them live.

Anyways, I have more to say, mostly about the state of public transit, but I should sleep.
goodnight

This is for James.

2007-07-08T01:31:00.001-06:00

2007-07-07T03:14:00.000-06:00

I wasn't freaked out. I wasn't even mildly surprised by any of the content. It just created good discussion and some strange topics.

I am coming out of the studies burnout from university I have struggled with for several months. I graduated with art history (honours) and a minor in religious studies and ended it completely apathetic and tired. I was barely going to my classes and I am surprised that I finished at all. I am on an upswing in general and it feels good. I am content for the first time in a while with life in general! Yay!

Now I just have to see more of my honey and have some fun with friends.

2007-07-06T20:31:00.001-06:00

I am in the middle of a book called God is Not Great. I've been intending to read more after accepting finally that I am an agnostic athiest and do not believe that "God" or gods exist.
Rather strange to remember back when I was so strongly Roman Catholic. I used to feel so alone in my confirmation class, because I seemed to be the only teenager there who actually wanted to be there.
Probably just my perception back then too. I have been stuck in a holding pattern for a long few years, wishing that I could still be involved in the ritual and the community of the religion I was brought up to beleive.
I have finally made a decision to stop that nostalgia wanting.

WL and I are going to watch Jesus Camp tonight. I am sure I will be seriously freaked out by it :)
Watched the Prestige for the first time and the disc broke five minutes before the end. Many have heard me swear. I was so frustrated that I was actually speechless in this case. I still feel a little residual . . . pissedoffness.

2007-07-03T21:24:00.001-06:00

I want this outfit. . . so pretty. (the one in the avatar window)

2007-07-02T18:38:00.001-06:00

I've got my tinfoil hat on . . .
Yay!!!!

2007-06-30T02:35:00.000-06:00

It is raining and thundering, I actually ate solid food without my stomach roiling in protest, and I think I am good to work and get on with life. I have been sick for five freaking days. . . and I was miserable and vocally so. I am not used to this kind of limbo illness where you are not sure until you do something whether you will feel terrible or not. I went out for a short jaunt on thursday to get some necessaries and I swear I felt like I was going to collapse, my legs were so shaky. And I had felt so good just prior to leaving the house. I ended up with a case of chills and then I was actually exhausted for several hours. Probably the not-eating catching up to me, but so frustrating. I cannot explain how happy I am right now. I am actually quite pumped to be heading to work!! :)

Must go watch rain. I am having trouble sleeping because I survived a coffee with friends with only minor problems!!! Happy happy happy happy me.

2007-06-29T12:14:00.000-06:00

I know someone who is strongly against same sex marriage and very much feels that homosexuality is wrong. They cite the Bible as their major back-up authority. But marriage aside, sexuality is not about making babies anymore, or securing a bloodline and guarenteeing that your wife has not caused you to have to raise some other assholes' child. In fact, a good majority of women in North America are trying everything not to get pregnant so they can have themselves a fornicating good time just like so many men before them have. The Bible is a book that cannot change with the ethos of people; it is static and only stretches so far before the interpretations of interpretations are weak and forced. What is more, it was written by men who judged women to be worth less than expensive slaves half the time. They thought less of homosexuals too. We got rid of slaves, right? Give me another reason why homosexuality is wrong and why people who love each other cannot have a public ritual to show that they intend to stay together in commitment. "The Bible says" does not cut it. Cut the appeal to the authority and give me something else.

Grumble.

2007-06-28T11:42:00.001-06:00

So . . . yeah. I had a bunch of issues with my original blog and the second one to replace it. I had trouble saving things, or adding things, and I guess I just stopped caring and quit trying for a while. I have erased them and started new here.

I have alot of time on my hands; I have been sick for three days and I keep getting a little better and then crashing again. Blah.

For those who wanted to see it, here is the finished image from my parent's original crappy wedding photo to what I finally gave them very recently when I realized that my days at the lab were coming to a close.

My dad's face is still pretty rough, but after eight friggin tries, nothing looked "right". He just started to look like a painting instead. I think they are happy with it :)